Riverside Iowa
by K5Rakitan
Summary: Poor Winona Kirk is overwhelmed with little Jimmys.


**Author's Note:** I actually visited Riverside, Iowa not too long ago, and my dad suggested I write this fan fiction. He knows I write fan fiction, but doesn't know my pen name or if he does he pretends not to know it. If you're reading this Dad, I love you!

**Riverside, Iowa 2235**

"James, stop poking Jim." Mrs. Kirk scanned the second grader's ID tag to document the misbehavior, and looked down at her handtop computer in horror. She knew that this day would come, but it had snuck up on her. She had tried not to think about it, actually. It brought up too many disappointments and bitter memories.

Ever since the early 2200s, the housing market in Riverside had seen a boom, Thousands of Kirk families moved into the relatively unpopulated town, more than doubling it in size. July 2227 had brought in truckloads of aphrodisiacs and enough gynecologists to start a university as all of the women tried to get pregnant. March 20, 2228 had brought in even more Kirk women who did not want to live in the town, but were pregnant and wanted to fulfill Gene Roddenberry's prophesy. With the women had come midwives, nurses and doctors who volunteered their services for free. They all wanted their names on the birth certificates.

In total, fifty three James T. Kirks were born on March 22, and about eighty more had their records faked to correspond with that day. One hermaphroditic baby and five females were even declared male. Some of the records were challenged and corrected later, but at the time everyone was too busy paying attention to the Jims who were actually born on the appropriate day. Never had birthing been such a spectator sport. As a hundred plus expectant mothers gathered around a small plaque behind a run-down building, thousands more squeezed in to watch until they finally had to establish a perimeter to prevent the site from becoming a health hazard. Some of the exiles were Kirks who had gotten pregnant too early or too late. They publicly cheered from the street beyond, but deep down jealousy burned hot within them.

Winona Kirk, on the other hand, who had changed her name from Melinda upon marriage, had avoided the festivities altogether. She had stayed at home, sulking over her failed reproductive attempts. Her husband was a diehard trekkie, so much so that he changed his name as well in order to participate in the scramble to parent the future captain of the Star Ship Enterprise. Melinda had gone along with it and tried to get pregnant on schedule. When that failed, a doctor took a closer look at her and discovered that her ovaries had never quite formed properly. They could have gotten an egg donor, but by that time it was too late anyway. George went into depression and lost his job, which sent Winona over the edge as well. She managed to keep her job as a second grade teacher, but after work she would lock herself up in her room and cry while her husband drank himself into a stupor.

Now, all of her insecurities as a woman were manifested around her in the form of twelve seven-year-old boys with the same name, set apart only by mere minutes of the time of birth. Mrs. Kirk's class roster included the current preferred nickname of each child plus the time of day they were born. Two minutes into the day, and they were already fighting.

"Jimmy stole my stylus!"

"Mrs. Kirk, James spit on my shoe!"

"Jamille ate the cookies from my lunch!"

"Tiberius cut my hair."

"Jim brought a real phaser to class."

"It's just a toy, see! It-oops!"

"Jimika is breaking the dress code."

"I'm telling!"

Not only were there twelve James T. Kirks, but there were five girls with similar names. _These kids should come with an instruction manual_, Winona thought.

"Quiet!" she yelled over the little voices. "Rule number one: keep your hands to yourself. Consider that your Prime Directive. If you break this rule, you will _never_ make it into Starfleet Academy."

"Mrs. Kirk!"

"Yes, James?"

"My daddy says that sometimes rules have to be broken for the greater good. Like, what if Susan is drowning and if I keep my hands to myself, she'll die?"

Winona took in a quick breath and thought fast. "This classroom is a safe place. Nobody is going to be in any danger here."

"Mrs. Kirk?"

"Yes, Jill?" Winona looked down at her roster and saw that the girl was legally named James even though her nametag said otherwise. She did not know whether to feel relieved or disturbed that she only had eleven male Jameses in her class.

"What if the Klingons come and take us all hostage while they demand our-"

"-There are no Kingons, and even if there were, they would not be interested in anything Earth has to offer."

"How do you know?"

"We have explored that part of space, and there is no life there."

"What if Earth gets sucked into an alternate universe where Klingons have taken over the galaxy?" asked another Kirk boy without raising his hand.

_Will these kids ever shut up?_ Winona forced a sweet smile on her face. "Raise your hand next time, Jimmy. This is your first warning. Getting sucked into an alternate universe is very unlikely to happen. Therefore, logic dictates that you should spend your time preparing for more likely events such as tests and quizzes. How many of you had a test in first grade?"

All hands went up.

"Good. That brings us to the word of the day: Priority." Winona pressed a few buttons on her handtop, and the word of the day appeared in bold letters on a holographic display in the middle of the room. "Has anyone heard this word before?"

A little girl's hand went up.

"Yes, Jasmine?"

"Is it like when you have to pee really bad?"

"Sometimes."

Another hand from another James rose. "How about when you have a hull breach and if you don't fix it, you get sucked out into space?"

Winona Kirk sighed. It was going to be a long year.

**Closing Note:** That's all I'm writing. If anybody wants to take this idea and play with it, enjoy!


End file.
